I have coached so many people who, at some point during our work together, said: “Your know what, I understand now – I just need to feel more confident.” And I cannot agree more. We all have so much potential and power within us; all we need is a little boost of confidence sometimes. I always say: confidence isn’t something you are born with, or something available only to certain people and not to you. Yes, some of us have had better prerequisites for confidence, while others have developed it earlier in life. However, confidence can be built and developed through practice.
There is no “on/off” switch, but you should think of it as a habit to adopt. And we know – habit can be developed.
Here is how you do it:
✅ Start doing this
1. Talk to yourself like your best friend. Be your own best friend!
If your best friend came to you full of doubt, what would you say? Probably not something like: “you’re terrible at this”, “why did you even try?”, “No, of course you should not do it, because there are so many people better than you at this.”
So stop doing that to yourself. Say what you would say to someone you care about: “You’re learning”, “I am proud of you for doing the first step,” “Don’t focus on the negative,” “You can do this! I believe in you.”
P.S. Remember Ariana Grande’s song “Yes, and” => maybe listen to it today and remember just one line: “Be your own *d*ucking” best friend!” That’s what I have remembered once, and every time I have heard this song on the radio, I instantly felt those tiny tingling needles of confidence on my skin. Yes, ma’am! Thank you, Ariana, for the reminder. I will be.
2. Do it anyway
This is the toughest one, but the MOST IMPORTANT! The truth is, confidence comes after or during an action, not before. So next time, even when you’re a little afraid, say yes to that presentation, that meeting, that hard conversation – and do it anyway.
Those moments are like tiny reps at the gym. You will get stronger every time you try.
3. Keep track of your wins – even the small ones.
Confidence fades when we forget what we’re capable of. Start writing down one thing each day that you’re proud of. It could be “I asked a question in that meeting.” Or “I said no.”
Proof piles up. And with it, your confidence.
🚫 Stop doing this
1. Stop comparing your insides to other people’s outsides.
What you are noticing and maybe admiring about other people is their polished and practiced version. You may not see their messy first drafts, their inner criticism, their 100 tries, and their 100 fails.
So stop assuming other people have it all together. They don’t. Nobody does. We all learn, fail, practice, try, fail again and again, until we look like we’ve got this.
2. Stop waiting for permission.
Confidence is your inner belief, and it has to be cultivated right there – inside of you. It cannot grow if you continue handing over your power to others. Don’t wait for someone to tell you you’re good enough. Don’t wait for someone to give you good feedback before you believe in yourself.
Decide it for yourself. Decide today that you are good enough and move on. When negative feedback comes your way, it’s all good; you will learn from it. But for now, just give yourself credit, believe you are competent, and act like it’s true.
3. Stop preparing for perfection.
Preparing is a smart thing to do. But overpreparing to feel “safe” is a trap. You cannot prepare for every turn of events, and you don’t need to KNOW more before that critical meeting. What you need is to TRUST YOURSELF MORE that you can handle it, no matter what.
Just think “whatever happens, I can handle it,” instead of “what would I respond if…” and “what if no one likes what I say, it would be terrible.” Whatever happens, you can handle it.
🔁 Continue doing this
1. Stay present and keep showing up.
Even when you’re unsure. Even when it’s not perfect. Showing up and staying present, being attentive to what is happening around you and how others show up in this very moment – that’s courage. That’s confidence in motion.
2. Stay true to your values.
What do you care about? What kind of person do you want to be? Confidence grows when your actions match your values. It is also about not compromising your principles.
Sometimes, saying “no” is a sign of confidence. Not doing something because it goes against your values is a sign of confidence. Staying true to yourself, unapologetically, is a powerful thing. It might be the bravest thing to do and the biggest sign of confidence there is.
3. Keep dreaming big.
Before we gain confidence, we dream of being confident. But as soon as we have shaped that inner belief in ourselves, only then do we start dreaming big – about our goals, about our aspirations, and those achievements we didn’t dare to think about (because it was for confident people, not us).
So start dreaming big right now: Becoming a keynote speaker? Becoming a book author? Becoming a startup founder? You can dream it! And if you can dream it, you can go and start doing that!