0:00 Well, it’s not the most popular request in my coaching and mentoring practice, but sometimes it happens. People come to me with requests like: “So I work with that person, and you know, it’s challenging; we have a conflict. How do I change their mindset? Or how do I influence them better?” And this is an interesting one because the obvious answer is – you cannot, or you shouldn’t, right?
0:29 You shouldn’t change other people, – that is not your responsibility; but of course it is a little bit more complicated than that and a little bit hadrer.
0:39 So think about a time or a moment in life when you have had to work with someone to you challenging, someone who you wish would just change, would just change how they think or how they behave, or how they treat others.
1:01 And I’m sure at least one person in your life you might find right from your memory. And of course, there are some tips, quite lot of them on how to be more influential, how to communicate more effectively, how to convince others better, how to bring a good argument in a conversation, how to facilitate others, right, how to manage others, and how to bring more influence. But that is not always what it is about.
1:37 Sometimes we’re just different people and we want others to be a little bit more like us or to have the mindset that is closer to ours because we feel that is right.
1:49 We feel that is valuable. So, a few tips I can give to any of you who find yourself in such situations is going through three very simple steps.
2:04 Step number one, if you feel you’re in a situation when you want to change someone else specifically, explicitly, and right away, please, please, – tune into yourself first.
2:18 Just to clarify and check in with yourself – “who I am”, “why does this situation bother me?”, “which of my values are at risk right now?”, “which of my principles are conflicted because of the situation or discussion”. It is really, really important to tune-in with yourself because it will give you the right roadmap further in relationships with this person or in the conversation with this person.
2:53 So before going into this active conflict and active confrontation (“I don’t like the way you think”; “you are wrong”, “I want to do things differently”), tune in with yourself even more.
3:05 Even if you think you know yourself really well, just do that, just do this simple step and tune in with yourself even more, to make sure that you understand what is happening with you, what triggers you, what is important to you.
3:20 That helps you to come with more authenticity into relationships with this person. Then you can bring more confidence in your arguments. Even if those arguments are not something you know mathematical or proof as a fact, those arguments will be more convincing and strong for you just because you can say – “I want this because this is important to me personally”; “this is critical to me personally, – these are my values”. “I cannot offer you something else.”
3:50 Step number two, after you have tuned in with yourself and you’re truly understood, you know, what is specific to you in the situation in what is based on your values and your needs and your principles, you should look at other person and figure out, do you understand the whole complexity of what is happening to them. As much as you have the right, you know, for your boundaries in your space, in this conflict, because you have your needs and your values, that other person also has their need and their values and their requests and wishes for their needs to be satisfied.
4:47 And do it as an exercise. I know there could be a lot of emotions involved, but just do it as an exercise and try to even list what you know about this person and what triggers them in this particular situation.
4:59 Do it with curiosity and no judgment because that will also help you to have a more productive conversation later. So there is no judgment, no emotion, no being, you know, b***** or judgey about them in this specific moment.
5:16 Even when they, maybe, verbally hurt you with some words or they’ve been judgmental to you already.
5:26 Don’t do that. Step number two is no judgment, practice empathy, practice empathy and curiosity towards this person. To understand what is their point, what triggers that, what is happening with them right now, and who they are in this situation.
5:51 If there are open questions to you about these person, do step number three and ask them questions. Just so say, you know what, I realize that I don’t know everything about you.
6:03 And I see that, you know, in our conflict, these, these and these points trigger you. Why is that? I, truly, and with open heart and curiosity would like to understand that.
6:18 And if that doesn’t work, you know, and maybe the person is not opening up, you open up. And so you know why, I am curious to know more about your point because here are my points.
6:31 This triggered me because you know that is related to my values, and I feel that that is inappropriate because that’s my principles, and that’s how I see the situation.
6:43 And I know that you have your own explanations to that. I really would love to understand that. Only after you understand yourself really well; only after you’ve clarified those questions for you about other person as well;
6:58 Only then and only, only then you can go into some proactive confrontation and conversation and figuring out with them, know how to actually fit with each other in this project, in this task, in this work, or collaboration together.
7:17 Only then you can ask questions like, so how do we make this work or offering: you know what, I see that I want us to work this way, or it is important for me to set things up like this.
7:33 Before you really have a good understanding of yourself and the other person in this conflict, don’t go into [step three] practical discussions, or the conversations about agreeing on the setup, agreeing on the specific boundaries, because someone may lose and someone may win.
7:57 You may not be able to bring your authenticity, and you may not be able to have a very effective conversation. Okay?
8:07 Because that could be just heated, emotional, and still fighting to see whether you would be able to win and get your needs satisfied more than the other one.
8:21 But that is not a pure win, especially with people with whom you have to work together and have to team-up to deliver on some goals.